Well, like you, I just sent in my taxes for 2016 and boy are the IRS agents being thorough these days. I don’t know if it has to do with the new presidential administration or with world events or what – but, this year, unlike any year before, the IRS had all kinds of questions for me after I sent my tax form in.
I mean, I must have been on the phone with them for 30 minutes answering questions this year. It was absolutely crazy all the stuff they wanted to know. For one thing, they wanted to make sure I had spelled my name correctly on the form, and I said, “Uh, hello, I think I know how to spell my own name.”
They also wanted to double check my mailing address and my Social Security number and they needed to know my birthday, the name of the city I grew up in, my mother’s maiden name, and – I kid you not! – the name of my first pet when I was a child.
I mean, talk about government red tape – for the life of me I have no idea whatsoever why they need my first pet’s name and what in the world that has to do with my income taxes. But it’s the IRS so you really have no choice but to be patient and polite and answer their questions to the best of your ability. They said something about it being my year for an “account review” and I do know that this is a good rule to live by: If the IRS calls you and you have nothing to hide, just tell them what they want to know.
Otherwise, can you say, “Audit”?
They government kind of has you over a barrel because you can’t fight city hall and you certainly can’t fight the IRS.
So I just sat there and didn’t complain. What was the name of my high school girlfriend? What banks do I use and what are the account numbers? What are my email addresses? Believe it or not, they even wanted the name of my favorite singer, my driver’s license number, my third grade teacher’s name, the title of my favorite movie and the make and model of the first car I ever drove.
They also wanted credit card numbers, debit card numbers and department store card numbers – and not just the last four digits like people usually need. Oh no, no, no, that would be way too simple for the US government: Instead, they had to have all the numbers, on both the front and the back of the cards!
And, as if all that wasn’t enough, they also had to check some sort of information on my computer so I had to help them log onto my computer remotely.
It makes me mad to know that my tax money is going to pay the salaries of people to ask a lot of stupid questions. (By the way, with all that money we’re all paying in taxes, you would think they could hire some IRS workers who speak better English than the ones who called me.)
I hope answering all those questions helps my refund check arrive sooner because I checked my savings account and it’s really low. I thought I had a whole lot of money in the account last week, but I just checked this morning and it turns out I only have 12 cents in there.
Anyway, one reason I’m writing this is that the IRS agents told me they’re asking everybody these same questions. If you haven’t already gotten your call, you probably will soon. So be sure to have all your information together and ready; you don’t want to seem like you’re hiding anything from the IRS …
*****
I think Elon law school is a really great institution and a terrific addition to Greensboro’s downtown, and, ever since the school came here in 2006, they’ve brought a lot of youth and vibrancy to the heart of the city. That’s why I got the idea that we should all come together as a community and help the law school out.
I know there are a lot of important causes to give money to these days but this is one that I think will not only help Elon but also our downtown, and I really don’t think it will cost that much.
As you have no doubt seen if you’ve walked by or driven by the school at the corner of Friendly and Greene, they started to put up a statue at the entrance a long time ago, but, sadly, they were never able to finish it. They only got as far as the feet and legs. I don’t know if they ran out of money or if the artist died halfway through or what, but, for whatever reason, the entire top half of the statue was never completed.
And, everyday when I come to work, I drive right past it and the other day I thought to myself: We should do something about it. That’s why I’m starting the “Top off the Statue Effort!” which will establish the “Elon Law School Statue Completion Fund,” with all donated money going to help complete the statue. If you want to help, send your check to the Rhino Times.
Given the colorful nature the of the statue’s legs, it looks like the statue would be pretty hip and cool and something we can all be proud of once it’s finally finished.
*****
OK, now I’m confused and this is all I want to know: Can I use the woman’s bathroom or not?
*****
You know, when a TV show has gone off the rails and finally lost it, they say that it has “jumped the shark.” That’s because, on the show Happy Days years ago – after that show ran completely out of ideas – they actually had Fonzie jump over a shark on water skis. That was a very good indication that you could put a fork in Happy Days because the show was done.
Well, I’m sad to say that the much beloved TV show Family Feud has finally jumped the shark after being on the air for years and years.
Now, usually host Steve Harvey will say, we polled 100 people and got these answers – and you need to pick the top ones. And the questions are like, “Name something Washington DC has a lot of …” and the answers will be things like “politicians” or “monuments.” One good question they once had is, “Name something you bring to bed after you’ve been dumped.” (The top answers for that one, by the way, were “food/ice cream,” “my dog/pet,” a “teddy bear” and “wine/booze.”)
Anyway, those are both examples of perfectly fine Family Feud questions, but the other day on the show I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard the question Steve Harvey asked.
Here it is …
“Name something a stripper might ask a man to remove from his pockets before a lap dance.”
What?? Huh? Things a stripper asks a man to take out of his pants? During a lap dance?
OK, now, there are so many things wrong with this question that I don’t even know where to begin. For one thing, this is supposed to be family feud, so they shouldn’t be asking decent people on a supposed family show about strippers in the first place.
Another thing is that, even if you know all the answers to the question exactly right, you can’t give those answers. If you say the right answers and win the game, when you got home your wife would be furious with you. You would be like, “Wow, my answer won us $10,000!” and, rather than be happy with you, she’d just have this angry look on her face and have her arms folded tightly in front of her, and she would say, ”Well, you certainly do seem to know an awful lot about strippers!”
Another problem is that the question – what a stripper asks you to take out of your pants – doesn’t give you enough information. The right answer depends on where you are in the strip club. For instance, the answer to that question is different depending on if you are in the main dance area or if you’re in the Champagne Room.
So, please, in the future, can we just try to keep Family Feud family-friendly and just leave the strippers out of it?
